Nice Guys Finish Last: Why People Pleasing is Our Downfall with Chuck Chapman
Being a "nice guy" is not always the best approach, especially not when getting the approval of others comes at the expense of staying true to yourself. When we're constantly saying "yes" just to avoid upsetting others, it can be easy to lose touch with what's really important to us individually.
In this episode, Matt O'Neill sits down with men's coach Chuck Chapman to discuss the importance of integrity in living an authentic, purposeful life. Matt and Chuck debate practical examples of when "being nice" helps or hurts, and the line between people-pleasing and integrity.
Here are some power takeaways from today’s conversation:
Integrity's impact on happiness and well-being
Virtues of courage and humility as foundations for integrity
Integrity as the integration of virtues
Maintaining integrity and balance in relationships and decisions
Balance, accountability, forgiveness, and trust
[06:31] Courage as the North Star of All Virtues
According to Chuck, courage is the "North Star of all virtues." He sees courage as the first step toward living with integrity. Courage is necessary in order to do any virtue, because it takes courage to override our natural instincts and do what aligns with our values and integrity. Living with integrity often requires having difficult conversations or facing pain, which is where courage comes in. As Scott Peck said, courage isn't the absence of fear but the ability to move forward in its face.
[16:21] Integrity as an Integration of Virtues
Chuck realized integrity is not just one single thing, but rather an integration or combination of virtues. He describes living with integrity as similar to how all the individual parts of a watch (sprockets, springs, cogs etc.) need to be in alignment and integrated for the watch to serve its purpose of telling time. In the same way, he believes the 16 virtues need to be integrated within a person for them to be able to serve their highest purpose and live without inner conflict or suffering that comes from being out of integrity.
[18:29] "Nice Guy" vs. "Man of Integrity"
Chuck is making an important distinction between being a "nice guy" and being a "man of integrity." He states that the opposite of a "nice guy" is not a jerk - but what he calls a "man of integrity." He suggests that while a nice guy's niceness often comes from a place of seeking approval or avoiding conflict, a man of integrity acts from a place of genuine care, following his values and staying true to himself even if it's not the easiest thing to do. This highlights how integrity requires courage rather than just being pleasant, and speaks to the discussion around discerning when "being nice" helps or hurts one's character.
Notable quotes:
[07:03] Courage really is the first step of living in integrity because it takes an act of courage to do that. [07:11]
[12:01] When you live in love, and grace and compassion and humility, you feel a whole lot better. [12:10]
[18:29] The opposite of a nice guy isn't a jerk… it’s what I call a man of integrity. [18:35]
[22:55] If all I'm doing is loving everybody else, and not loving myself, then what happens is, I'm out of balance. [23:00]
Resources Mentioned:
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About the Guest
Chuck Chapman is a licensed therapist and men's coach with over 15 years of experience helping men live authentically. His upcoming book "Finding Your Way Without Losing Yourself: The Path of Integrity" draws from his personal journey of discovering integrity after his life fell apart.
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